A whisper from my heart: "Don't be anxious, my dear daughter"

This week I had 3 exams:

15 April: Human Resource Management (HRM) & Chinese Language

17 April: Functional Genomics & Proteomics

I don’t like the schedule, but still must thank Him!

Honestly, I was very anxious. Theoretically, I know that GOD is always with me and my strength comes from HIM alone. So, why am I so afraid? GOD died on the cross and has saved me to eternal life. His love is great and no single word can express how great HIS love is. I know this, and everyone has reminded me this. Then, what’s wrong? Why am I still anxious? There are several possible reasons which I think is quite true:

1. My faith maybe only a cognitive one.

I know He died for me. But, do I really believe in HIM and live a life for HIM?

2. I may not live an integrated life

Before studying and exam, I always pray and ask for His guidance. Yet, during my study and exam process, it seems that I ‘forget’ Him. I hardly remember that He is with me all the way, from the beginning til the end. Thus, maybe it is the 'alone-ness' that makes me anxious.

3. Too ‘take things for granted’

There are countless reasons why I should thank Him. There are many miracles too that He has done. Just to list down some of them:

• -the greatest ‘miracle’ is my salvation. Jesus died on the cross to save me!
• -I recovered rapidly from dengue fever: ~4 days after I was confirmed positive for dengue.
• -I recovered rapidly after dental surgery: 1 day after my wisdom tooth removal, I could already eat rice. *Now I am already healthy and I don’t go to Medical Center frequently anymore!!! =)
• -My quiz was waived through ‘successful appeal’
• -I have great family who believes in Him
  
• -I have great family in Christ in Singapore
  
• -the list can still go on and on!!!

There are also things that make me protest to God, for example:

• -I did super silly mistake in the Chinese Language Exam. I think everyone will never believe that a human can do such stupid mistake, neither do I!
• -I got dengue fever just after recess week. It should have been during the recess week when I was in Indonesia, so my parent could take care of me.
• -hmmm… I cannot think of any other thing..

After reflecting on this and being reminded by many people, I realize that I easily ‘forget’ His overflowing blessings and usually take them for granted. I thank Him ‘once’ for His great kindness. On the other hand, I hardly forget the ‘unexpected thing’. I grudge and grudge when I don’t get what I want.

1 Thes 5 : 16-18

Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Phil 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to GOD. And the peace of GOD, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I should give thanks CONTINUALLY, no matter what happen!!!! This is what GOD wants me to do, I must obey Him! Moreover, He promise peace to me if I obey Him!

4. I don’t want to submit under His authority

Although human beings have free will, everything is under His control. No matter how hard I do my responsibilities, I won’t ever be able to change what God has planned to me, either success or failure.

However, I am sure that even if it’s a failure, it will still surely lead to something good in His big picture.

5. My confidence may be is not in Him

I am not anxious when I walk, take shower, eat, chat, etc as long as the activities are just ‘normal’ ones. However, I can be greatly anxious when facing my great giants (exams, future path, etc).

Jeremiah 17: 7

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him]. Actually, in everything I do, I should have confidence in Him alone.

When I eat, I should depend on His strength. I experience not being able to eat because of a single tooth problem.

When I walk, I should depend on Him. How if suddenly God takes my legs and I am not able to walk anymore?

When I chat with people, I should depend on Him. How if He suddenly makes me mute and deaf?

I cannot do anything without Him. It is only by Him that I can live til now. And all that I do should be for Him alone!

6. I don't have a child heart

Mat 18:3

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

My discipleship group leader said, "You just need to simply believe in GOD! Simply means that to know He is able and to trust Him wholeheartedly. Although you may not understand why, just believe in Him like a child believes in his father wholeheartedly."

____________________________________________________________________________________

As exams are giants for me, I still have 3 more giants many giants ahead Stem Cell Exam, Pharmaco Exam, MCAT. But one thing that’s for sure:

1 Sam 17:37

The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.

To me, it sounds like this:The Lord who delivered me from Neuro exam and other ‘killer’ exams will deliver me from my giants ahead.

Jia you for those facing the giants!!!
God is our salvation and strength, simply have confidence in Him, and always be thankful!

Dengue Fever

I have just fully recovered from dengue fever! I was told that there’s a dengue fever outbreak in Indonesia, especially in Kelapa Gading (North Jakarta) where I live.

Below is the shortened (but still long :P) story:

21 Feb

I went to Indonesia to spend my whole recess week there

1 Mar

Suddenly, I had fever and I felt headache. Yet, I had to fly back to S’pore.

2 Mar

School started again! There was presentation and thus I had to go to school to try giving me best. But the fever was going higher and higher. On that day, there was an incident at NTU such that NTU-Medical Center was closed. In the evening, went to Medical Center near Jurong Point Shopping Mall, and was found to have high fever (39.7’C). The doctor said, “If your fever still persists for ~5 days, you need to do blood test to know whether it is dengue fever.”

Then, I went back hall to rest with a hope I would recover after 1 whole day break on the next day.

3 Mar

I spent my whole day on my room, trying to sleep and rest well. I found it super boring! At that time, I was worried about my quiz on 6 Mar. I hadn’t finished studying, but I couldn’t study while having terrible headache and high fever. So, I tried to calm down and had a good rest hoping that I would recover soon. I need to get many urgent things done, so I had to follow doctor’s instruction: rest well!

4 Mar

I felt better, but still had fever. Because I was so bored staying in my room, I wanted to go to school attending interesting lectures. Physically, I felt not well, but I forced my body to be ‘strong’ by putting on 2 jackets.

On that day, there was 7 hour lecture (without break in between). I was planning to attend only the first 4 hour lecture. Yet, I was very reluctant to go back hall, so I finally attended all the lectures. Moreover, I had discussion with my professor afterwards to discuss the materials for quiz.
It was a very tiring day, and I was 'scolded' by my best friends of forcing my body too much.

5 Mar

I felt still not good, but thank GOD I had no more fever. So, I went to school again..hehe..
Then, I asked my professor whether there would be make up quiz for students who were sick. He said no makeup-quiz. There were only 2 choices: 100% exam (but I had to submit an MC) or 70% exam/30% quiz.
Of course, I prefer 100% exam because I was not feeling well. Then, I went to NTU-Medical Center to get an MC.

To my surprise, the doctor refused giving me an MC because she thought I was already healthy (no more fever). Thus, I had no other choice except trying my best to prepare for the quiz.

6 Mar (QUIZ DAY)

I felt that I was not doing well for the quiz because of obvious reason: I had not fully recovered yet. A bit sad, but still tried to be thankful to GOD.

Before sleeping, I saw skin rashes on my hand. I was afraid it’s dengue fever. If I was positive dengue, it meant that I had to rest for another couple of days. What a horrible situation and how boring it would be!

7 Mar

I did blood test and the result showed that I was positive dengue. However, because my platelet count is still not at dangerous level, the doctor suggested that I had a good rest and did another blood test at NUH Emergency on the next day.

8 Mar

I was accompanied with some of my friends to go NUH Emergency. Thank GOD! My platelet count went up. So, I was discharged on that day. And thank GOD too, my mom came to Spore to take care of me. Because my mom was here, I couldn’t go to school again and hence I had a good rest for a few days.

10 Mar

I did another blood test and the result showed that my platelet count was already normalized. Yet, I would feel tired for another couple of days during recovery. Yeah! Finally, I had ‘partially’ recovered! =D
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Now, I feel no more tired. I think I have fully recovered! Thank GOD!!! Although I complained to Him when I was sick, I can now be thankful of what had happened. Through all of this, He has reminded many things:

1. Possible?
At least 2 miracles happened:

- Speed recovery
All people said that I recovered amazingly fast such that some of my friends didn’t believe I got dengue fever.

-100% mark contribution from exam for subject which quiz was on 6 Mar
This happened after I appealed to my professor and school. It was due to doctor’s misdiagnosis such that I had no MC and hence had to sit for the quiz. Thank to my friend who suggested me to appeal! (:

I never thought of those 2 things would happen and hence didn't really ask GOD for those 2 things. Now I realize that I usually ask GOD for something that seems reasonably possible. I hardly think that GOD is able to do more than what I ask.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen”
[Eph 3:20-21]

2. Ask!

My father told me that my church in Indonesia prayed for my recovery during Sunday Service and weekly prayer meeting. Then, this Bible verse came to my mind:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” [Mat 7:7]

3. You're not alone

God takes care of me so greatly. Even when I had dengue fever (but hadn't been positively diagnosed by doctor) and went to school, he protected me on those days and I could still recover fast. He also gave me many good friends who always cheered me up and accompanied me when I was sick. Thank GOD for all those things!

My first exam: Neurobiology

This morning was my first exam, Neurobiology. I like this subject bcos its very interesting. Yet, I was hardly able to memorize all the terms and signaling pathways. I was very afraid that during exam I would forget what I had studied. In my journey here at NTU, I find this exam was the most challenging.

I asked GOD to help me, again and again. However, I was so nervous and my heart beat abnormally fast. Moreover, I also did not have appetite. Even when I saw my birthday chocolate cake (2 days ago), I felt like want to vomit.

It was so stressful, but GOD taught me many things.

1. Be thankful and the peace of GOD

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. [1 Thes 5:16-18]

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. [Phil. 4:6-7]

I realized that I hardly gave thanks to GOD during studying. I demanded more and more, then forgot His kindness and faithfulness. After I tried to give thanks to GOD, the peace of GOD really filled my heart :)

2. Faith in GOD

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. [Isaiah 41:10]

I asked my self, “Do I really believe in GOD? He will strengthen me and help me. Why so afraid?”

3. Confidence in GOD

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. [Jer 17:7]

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' [Mat 22:37]

I study because I want to love GOD with all my mind. Yet, my confidence to face exam should be due to GOD's guidance, and not my preparation.

4. The power of prayer

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. [Mat 7:7]

I asked my parents and friends to pray for me so that I wouldn't worry anymore. On my birthday, one of my exam wishes was to have confidence in Him during exam. Then, He answered my prayer. I was very calm finally, before and during exam, because I was sure that GOD was with me :)

5. Motivation

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, [Col 3:23]

Whom I study for? My parents, myself, or GOD alone? If I study for GOD alone, I shoud not bother about the exam, whether I will score good or bad. Because I only need to do my part, which is studying. The rest is beyond my control.

6. Fresh revelation of GOD through trial (exam)

Worrying over what we have lost or what has been taken from us will not make things better but will only prevent us from improving what remains. Through our trials and afflictions God gives us a fresh revelations of Himself. -William Taylor-

Yup2.. GOD taught me many things through my "giant".

I think Neuro exam was a birthday present from GOD. The present was so special, thank you Lord!

Now, I am not stress anymore and really want to eat my birthday chocolate cake, which I kept in fridge 2 days ago =P

Thank you GOD for the wonderful present for my 20th birthday

Thanks also for guiding my life, from childhood, teenage life, and now I am gonna face adulthood

Thanks for everything

Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord =)

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Refrain

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Refrain

PS.~Many thanks to my friends, who celebrated my birthday during this exam period. It was really a surprise, and of course relieved my "neuro exam" stress a bit..haha.. =) All the best for all of you. God loves us ^^

Trust Him to do what He has entrusted

Few weeks ago, I was really afraid of so many things. What I did was usually running away from the problem, and then sleeping =P Yet, this didn't solve my problem. After contemplating on His Word (James 4), the root problem maybe my self-reliant. I think it's really dangerous XD

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Actually, I always organized what I was gonna do in my agenda. Sometimes, it’s really frightening to see my own target, which seemed couldn’t be finished in time. I realized that maybe when making to-do-list in the agenda, I hardly kept in mind, “If it's the Lord's wil...” .

Amazingly, He also reminded me about love from 1 Cor 4 during those “miserable” days.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails... 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I know He loves me and has entrusted me many things, which means great responsibility also. That's why I'm afraid of not doing my best. But then, who am I that I can offer the best to Him? It is only God that enables me to do everything that He asked me. Moreover, He really loves me as He died on the cross to save me from my sins. The next question was: "Do I really love my God?" If so, I should have trusted Him. He is the One who leads me, and in control of me. Thus, I'm not supposed to be afraid as long as He is with me.

People may think that being a Christian is full of self-denial

Yet, I have overflowing joy

bcos Jesus has saved me

and He gives Words so I can live according to His will

I thank God for giving me eternal life, His Word, and everything =)

Nostalgia

Last Friday (29 August 2008), I went for a Scholarship Presentation Ceremony cum Lunch Reception. This reminded me of the event happened 2 years ago.

On 20 July 2006, I came to Singapore for the first time. On the same day, I went for the scholarship interview. My church friend, whose daughter lives in Singapore, accompanies me for the interview. Before the interview, she prayed for me. I still remember that after the interview, I thought I wouldn't be able to get the scholarship. I was so sure that there were many people who performed much better than me for the interview. ~~Let His will be done, just give thanks in any situation.

Few days later, when I was waiting for musical fountain show (now: Songs of The Sea) in Sentosa Island, a person from NTU called me. He said, “Maria, congratulations! You get the Scholarship.” I was speechless and very happy. Soon, the musical fountain show started. I almost cried when enjoying the show. I never imagined that I would get the Scholarship, and the musical fountain was like a “celebration” for me =)

During my study in NTU, I struggle for the academic lessons. There are many assignmest, reading materials, and stuff from my CCA that need to be done during a limited time period. However, during this hectic life, I got a chance to attend a scholarship presentation ceremony last week. I met some people who interviewed me there. They were very friendly =) To me, the last week ceremony was more than just a mere ceremony. God reminds me on how He guides my way, e.g in academic life. From secondary school, high school, and university, I have faced lots of choices and often made a difficult decision. Sometimes, I did not get what I wanted. I know God has His own way for me, so that His name will be glorified.

Thank you, Lord :)

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
[Psalms 25:10]

4th round result: dapet kamar di hall 3 =)

Stelah melalui proses penantian selama 3 minggu =P, akhirnya saya dapet kamar di hall 3. Bener2 ga nyangka. Karena selama squatting, saya bilang ke Tuhan, kalau dapat hall 7 (hall yang paling "unwanted" karena agak "terasing" dan tidak ber-kantin) pun, saya akan sangat bersyukur, selama diberi kesempatan untuk tetep tinggal di dalam NTU.

Tepat tanggal 08-08-08, saya di-sms teman, katanya hasil 4th round balloting udah keluar. Langsung deg2an, dan ketika cek imel, ternyata saya dapet hall 3. Setengah hari saya deg2an terus. Saya ga nyangka bakal dapet kamar secepat itu, dan dapet hall yang ber-AC. Ketika ambil kunci, hall office membolehkan saya pilih kamar: single atau double room. Hmm..saya sempet consider double room dengan "unknown roommate" karena itu kesempatan untuk saya bisa keluar dari comfort zone. Selain itu, bisa hemat banyak uang juga klo double room. Tapi, saya khawatir ga cocok dengan rumet yang belum saya kenal itu, padahal kamar ini untuk 1 tahun ke depan. Dengan dorongan ortu, akhirnya saya pilih single room.

Saya bener2 ga nyangka dikasih Tuhan single room di hall 3 =) Sampe2 temen2ku bilang bahwa, sejak dapet kamar, saya berubah 180 derajat (baca: jauh lebih ceria) jika dibandingkan ketika squatting. Hihi.. ^^

Selain bersyukur dapet kamar, akhirnya saya pun bisa melihat sisi positif dari "masa penantian 3 minggu". Yang tadinya saya anggap normal (seperti punya kasur, meja, rak buku, printer, makanan, kulkas, dll), sekarang saya anggap sangat luar biasa dan patut disyukuri. Ketika masuk kamar, terkadang masih bertanya2, "bener ga ya..ini kamarku..?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saya hanyalah "musafir" di dunia ini.
Sepanjang perjalanan yang sementara di dunia ini,
saya terus menerus dibentuk Tuhan.
Memang sakit dan tidak enak,
tapi penyertaan Tuhan-lah
yang menjadi sumber kekuatan.
Dan akhir dari pembentukan itu adalah
hidup yang lebih berbuah,
dan membawa kemuliaan bagi nama-Nya.

Living as a nomadic student

School already starts this week. But..I'm still squatting in my friend's room. I don't have my own table, wardrobe, shelves, etc. I need to put some clothes that I like in a bag, and bring another important stuff to my friend's room. Then, I sleep on a mattress on the floor every day.

Because of this incident, I am reminded that I should not take things for granted. In the past, I almost always took things for granted. I thought that everyone had room, table, etc. So, when I had my own room, I didn't take it as something special. Now, I have already realized that there are lots of people who are homeless. They don't have money, they can't afford to go to school, and they also need to strive for food. So, eventhough I’m still squatting in my friend’s room, I should still thank God as there're always many things to thank for.

Another thing that I learn from this incident is the love of God reflected in His children when I moved form hall to hall. Before I asked for my friends' help to move stuff from my past room, my friends had already asked me first, "Do you need my help?!" This happened more than once. Actually, I've already moved twice. Firsly, I moved from hall 16 to hall 8. Hana, Melinda, Atika, Irana, and Rike helped me. Then, after 1 week staying in hall 8, I moved to hall 3. Marlene, Arifin, Garlia, Marvin, and Abednego helped me. I am still amazed when seeing God's love in them =) . Although my family is not in Singapore, but I have a big family in Christ here... Thank you, Father!

I know that I should not complain anymore. I just need to patiently wait for the result of next balloting. Although my room has been "taken away", noone can separate me from God's love. Shouldn't this make me very happy?! =D

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.
[Job 1:21]

It’s not an easy situation for me anyway, and sometimes I think that it’s better if I can go to Heaven a.s.a.p, so I don’t need to study hard and think of accommodation like this. When saying this, my friend told me that: since God hasn’t called me to go with Him to Heaven yet, I should take up His cross and deny myself.

And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
[Mark 8:34]